Looking for old loves

Well, I'm a bit maudlin tonight. Thinking about how everything is winding down to the end of my marriage and reminiscing about loves lost.

One that comes to mind is a German girl I almost married named Dagmar Merk. Tiny thing, blue eyes, natural blonde, very smart. She was fiery and yet very sweet. When we met in Nurnberg in 1984, I was terrified of women. She told me that she thought I was gay because she'd been flirting with me and I hadn't responded at all. That's a funny thing about me, I'm totally blind to women flirting with me. For whatever reason, I just don't respond.

We were very close, with each other constantly. Talking about living together and getting married. I was in the Army at the time and received orders to Fort Knox in 1985. I had to leave her behind as she was not yet done with college. We thought it would be best for her to finish her apprenticeship as a goldsmith.

It was my introduction to long distance relationships. A painful one. Needless to say, it didn't work out. I was devastated. I had poured everything into this girl and she broke my heart. Even now, some 22 years later, it smarts. Wondering how it would have gone. Wondering what our children would have looked like. That's not to say I am in any way displeased with the three children I have. They are all that a Father could wish for. It's only a "what if" scenario.

Time heals or blunts all wounds. I think of Daggi frequently and fondly. I wonder what she's doing now. I wonder if she thinks of me with the same fondness and regret.

Be well, my old love.

Zeke

A day that was fun and then...suddenly...wasn't

I'm in the process of a divorce. It's getting pretty nasty. Then again, have you ever heard of a divorce that wasn't? Just one of those things that just irks the hell out of me. "We had a friendly divorce". Huh. Well, if you were that fricking friendly, why aren't you still married?

Anyway, the chilluns and I went out to look at houses today. Saw five. Two stand alone houses and three townhouses. The first stand alone house was not well cared for. The countertops were plywood. It was dark and didn't have a nice feel to it. We got out of there in a hurry.

The next one was a very nice small ranch house. Nice yard. It's a bit older so, it's not perfect. We loved it though. It's high on the list of houses we're going to consider.

Then came the townhouses. The problem with townhouses is they come with their own HOA's (Home Owner Associations). In general, I'm against such organizations. I don't like non-law enforcement agencies being able to levy fines against me and have them stick. On the other hand, I won't have to shovel the walks or mow the lawn. Something to think about.

After all this was done, we came home to have dinner. After dinner, my soon to be ex declares that she wants to speak to me later. So, after putting the youngest to bed, she declares that the agreement we worked on for child support is no longer good enough. That she wants the kids home an hour and a half earlier.

An argument ensued, of course. I'm just so fricking tired of this. The day was marvelous then...suddenly...it wasn't. We're back to fighting.

Welcome to Hell....I mean, New Jersey

I drove to Connecticut yesterday. To clear out the final dregs of technology at my company's closed office there. I was driving on the New Jersey Turnpike, which would be a good analogy for the road that leads to Hell, except it's already there. Maybe would be a better analogy to the road that circumvents Hell. Hmm. Anyway, I was proceeding down this road of wonders, when the car ahead of me kicked up a piece of a shredded tire from an 18 wheeler truck. It hit my car and dented and marred the hood. Oh boy.

Getting to the office, after that, was simply a matter of time. Four hours time. Upon reaching the office, I discovered that the key that had been provided did not fit any of the locks. A call to the New Hampshire office fixed that and I was soon in the office.

Clearing out an office that everyone has been laid off from is always unpleasant. Something about the building and the memories in the place hang there. Happy, sad, angry, it's all in there. I spent a couple hours cleaning out such wonders as a 15 year old server. A 10 year old router. Jet desk printers that had seen better days. About a mile of CAT 5 wire. I loaded this bounty in my damaged car and headed home.

Calling my friend to discuss the trip and other things, we got into an argument about my divorce. Which resulted in hurt feelings on both sides. I hate arguing. Particularly with her.

Five hours later, I got home to have a titanic argument about what I would be taking with me from the former home of matrimonial bliss. Blah. It's just stuff, but I need some of it in order to move on. She doesn't see it that way, of course.

If you've made it this far, kudos. You've listened to me whine long enough.

Right then, I'm off.