A beginning and an ending

Today was the day my 18 year relationship with the woman who was my wife ended. The divorce has not been processed yet, the gavel has not fallen, but all agreements are final and binding. It is over. It leaves me both happy and sad.

I'm happy that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a train. My life will continue from here. I am sad because, the woman I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, won't be with me going forward. My children now, officially, come from a broken marriage.

I met her in college, the way quite a few marriages begin. We were in a play together, some horrible thing written by one of our English professors based on Dickens' "The Bells". She played my adult daughter. Anyway, doesn't matter. We became friends. We started dating about a year later. Most thought it wouldn't last 6 weeks, let alone 18 years. (Let me explain my counting here: I dated her for about a year. Lived with her for about a year. Was married to her for 16 years.)

She was very different from the norm in Northern Maine. An Italian-American girl in a sea of French Canadians. I thought she was very pretty. I thought she was smart too. So, we hit it off and fell in love. After I graduated from college, we moved and began our lives together.

Nothing is perfect. Nothing. She is a strong woman. I had no problems with that. In fact, I'm generally attracted to strong women. I'm a very strong personality myself and don't need, or want a dishrag. She was overly domineering, and my fault here was that I didn't put somewhat of a stop to that early and just let it go.

Anyway, one day, her personality changed. She started getting obsessed with things. Her mood would rapidly cycle. We didn't understand what was going on. Tried a couple things and talking to a couple doctors. All failures. Then, she found a doctor who diagnosed what it had been all along. She was bipolar. A light flashed in my head, it all made sense in that moment. I dedicated myself to seeing her through it, as well as I could.

I worked my butt off. It was a rough time professionally for me. The dot com era was coming to an end and the company I worked for was laying off people like a duck sheds water. I lasted three years, and the axe fell. I was fortunate, I found another job in six weeks, but at about 25% less pay, but it had benefits. So, it evened out.

My wife's condition worsened as they experimented with her "cocktail" finally finding something that worked for her. She started coming out of it. We were aware there were troubles in our relationship. Who wouldn't know? I was severely underpaid. My wife was sick. Money was tight. I won't bore you with all the details. Still, I worked and tried to keep it all together.

Depression is insidious. You don't realize you are sick until you are way past gone. My moment came when I was sitting at the kitchen table. Weeping. I couldn't stop. It was terrible. I started investigating what was going on with me and was diagnosed as a major depressive. This proved to be the beginning of the end.

Then came the day that I call my "WTF Moment". She and I were talking about the ongoing issues and she said "I can't trust you any more. You got sick." It was like a bomb going off. I had dedicated my life to making sure she was well. That she went on and she couldn't trust me. She. Couldn't. Trust. Me.

It was all downhill from there. Marriage counseling failed. Twice. The fights, while never physical, were vicious verbal battles as only two long married people can have. It all led to today. I'm happy and sad.

Hello, life. Goodbye life.

Zeke

Books as comfort food

Something that struck me today, when I'm tired or need some real stress relief, it's not that unusual for me to pick up a book I've read at least six times and read it again. It's kind of a Zen thing for me. Suffusing myself in the comfort of old friends or old foes, letting the stories wash over me. Taking me away from my troubles. I rarely, if ever, find that kind of comfort in new books. New books are, for me, new horizons to explore.

A day I've been working toward

Since I got my current job, I've been working toward the goal of moving them off their old, unreliable network to a brand-spanking new one. Today is the day. A year's worth of work, political maneuvering and sweat. I've got all the MPLS routers in place and working. I've got the new firewall in place and working. I've tested it and gotten all my addresses correct. The contracted company to do the work in one of our remote offices is ready to go. I'm ready.

The trepidation I've been feeling about the upcoming work is really strange. I'm nervous that, even though I've planned this out, it won't work. It becomes more difficult because the three locations are in three different states. I have contracted with a third party company to do the work in the most remote location (under my direction, of course) and I'll take care of the main office and the other one.

So, this afternoon at 4PM, I'll kick them all off all the systems. At 4:15, I'll make SURE they're all off the systems and shutdown the ERP server to keep them off. Me and the contractor will do the work on those two offices and make sure they're working. Then, I'll get in my car and drive 5 hours to the third location. Tomorrow, I'll get up early and do the work there. Depending on when I'm done, I'll either drive home or go back to the hotel.

When it's all done, I'll collapse in a happy heap and wait for the complaints on Monday. *laughs* It's inevitable that every problem in the company will be blamed on the new network. From a printer not working to a hangnail on the secretary's hand.

Wish me luck.

Motivation

Trouble getting motivated today. Not in a depressed kind of way, just can't be bothered to get off my butt to do things. Well, Zeke, you may ask, what kind of things do you have to accomplish?

Let's see, kitlings*:

1. Complete my plan for world domination.
2. Complete my plan for network migration.
3. Discover where my socks keep disappearing to.
4. Find out if my kid's cat really hates me as much as she appears to.
5. Explore the differences between men and women (Vive la différence! Note to self: Wait until divorce is over.)

*Kitlings - a word of affection offered to readers of "The Game Cat" from Jeff Noon's book "Vurt" a wonderful read.

Now, THIS was a fun day

I took my kids to New York for the day yesterday. What an adventure and what a good time. The plan was to go to the Sony Wonder Technology Lab (http://www.sonywondertechlab.com), have lunch then do some sight seeing. Even though we're from New Jersey, there's lots to see.

I got up at 7 and got the kids up at 8 and we got on the road at about 9. We got parked around 10 and got on the train. Once on the train, the conductor came along to get the tickets. I had bought tickets for all the kids, of course. The conductor told me that I only needed one for my son , as the girls were young enough to ride free on weekends.

Train rides are always fun. We chilled out and watched everything go by. My older daughter took pictures of the train, and pretty much everything else. Once we got in the city, at about 11, I was trying to figure out the subways and decided on an "adventure" instead. We went out of the station and caught a taxi. Looked at the sights and sounds of NYC as we went along. There was construction going on. I was surprised they were working on Saturday, honestly.

The Sony building has a huge inflatable Spider Man inside. We grinned and got our tickets to the attraction. Going through was pretty much what I had expected. It showed technology's march through the ages and Sony's place in it. Of course, all the technology there was Sony brand. *laughs* We wanted to do the television camera stuff, but there was a very annoying family that kept using it over and over and over, so we went to the music area and played there. It was a lot of fun.

It took about an hour and a half to two hours to go through that place. After we were done, it was time to get some lunch. Looking at the list, it came down to someplace called "Mars 2112" or "The Jekyll and Hyde Club" (http://www.jekyllandhydeclub.com/splash_eerie.html). After talking with the kids, we decided on the JK Club. A quick 2 block walk brought us there. Of course, "quick" is relative when walking with a very short six year old. We got there and had to wait outside first. We were taken into a foyer and a Dr. Hackemoff and a maid put on a little show and the ceiling came down. My older daughter didn't like that part.

We got to the table and the waiter came and told us about the place, including the fact that they didn't take anything but American Express but did have an ATM. Which was labeled as an Automated Terror Machine. :D So, we ordered our lunch and were treated to Frankenstein's Monster singing John Travolta's part in Grease, with a werewolf singing Olivia Neutron Bomb's part.

A guy with a feather duster came around and started dusting my shoulder and head, much to the amusement of the kids. He went over and tried it with my daughter, but she was a stone face with him. He seemed to think it was a challenge. He kept dusting her and making witty comments. Then, somehow, they got into a "glasses contest", where one of them would move their glasses and the other would mirror it. Finally, my daughter broke down and grinned. All the rest of the day, she kept talking about "annoying glasses guy".

The whole place was loads of fun. The bill reflected the fun. With tip, it was $90. *laughs* I'm not one to count pennies, but that was a very expensive lunch.

We decided to walk through Central Park to get to the subway back to the train. We walked past Tavern On the Green, a carousel and other neat things. The rocks in that place are HUGE. Finally, we got to the subway station and caught it back to Penn Station then the train.

We are all tired and our legs hurt and we had a truly marvelous time.

Happy Anniversary

Today is the 16th anniversary of my soon to be ex wife and I. I'm, honestly, not sure how I'm supposed to feel. So, I'll just leave this entry short.

Talking about loves

After telling you bout Daggi, I should tell you about a woman who truly saved my life. The thought of breaking a promise to her brought me back from the edge of suicide.

I have never met her face to face, I should state that. I know her face from pictures and her voice from the phone. Yet, I would know her anywhere. I have told her things that I have not told ANYONE else and she has done the same with me. If I could have a wish, it would have been that it was ME she married. No matter. I am honored to share that part of her life that I can.

So, in March I had a "black day". If you've ever been in a serious depression, you know what I mean. The whole world takes on a tinge to it. Nothing matters. You really do feel as if you are better off dead. With me, it started with a little thing. A small voice in my head that said "You know, it would be much easier if you were dead." I managed to ignore that small voice, that time.

The thing is, it didn't stop. It came back again and again. Each time, I would manage to fend it off, but it would come back stronger and stronger. So, in my mind, I gave in and started looking at my options. I didn't like the suffocation options. A knife is quick. Knowing where to stab wasn't a problem. Messy, though. Very traumatic for the kids. Then, there was hanging. We have a huge tree in our backyard with a perfect branch. Quick, if I got the knot right. So that's where I was. The rope or the knife.

I was sitting at the table, drinking tea, looking at the tree when I saw four faces. My children and her. All were crying and asking me "Why?" Her face said "You promised, Zeke, you promised." Bitter tears coursing down her face. My children crying and saying "Daddy".

It was like a pop in my head. I sat up and looked down at the tea cup and asked myself "What the hell are you doing?" I was shaken and called my Mom who talked me down more. I made it through. This one saved my life and I'm thankful to her.

I owe her a great debt and I hope, one day, to meet her in person and pay that debt. For now, though, these words will have to suffice:

Thank you.

Looking for old loves

Well, I'm a bit maudlin tonight. Thinking about how everything is winding down to the end of my marriage and reminiscing about loves lost.

One that comes to mind is a German girl I almost married named Dagmar Merk. Tiny thing, blue eyes, natural blonde, very smart. She was fiery and yet very sweet. When we met in Nurnberg in 1984, I was terrified of women. She told me that she thought I was gay because she'd been flirting with me and I hadn't responded at all. That's a funny thing about me, I'm totally blind to women flirting with me. For whatever reason, I just don't respond.

We were very close, with each other constantly. Talking about living together and getting married. I was in the Army at the time and received orders to Fort Knox in 1985. I had to leave her behind as she was not yet done with college. We thought it would be best for her to finish her apprenticeship as a goldsmith.

It was my introduction to long distance relationships. A painful one. Needless to say, it didn't work out. I was devastated. I had poured everything into this girl and she broke my heart. Even now, some 22 years later, it smarts. Wondering how it would have gone. Wondering what our children would have looked like. That's not to say I am in any way displeased with the three children I have. They are all that a Father could wish for. It's only a "what if" scenario.

Time heals or blunts all wounds. I think of Daggi frequently and fondly. I wonder what she's doing now. I wonder if she thinks of me with the same fondness and regret.

Be well, my old love.

Zeke

A day that was fun and then...suddenly...wasn't

I'm in the process of a divorce. It's getting pretty nasty. Then again, have you ever heard of a divorce that wasn't? Just one of those things that just irks the hell out of me. "We had a friendly divorce". Huh. Well, if you were that fricking friendly, why aren't you still married?

Anyway, the chilluns and I went out to look at houses today. Saw five. Two stand alone houses and three townhouses. The first stand alone house was not well cared for. The countertops were plywood. It was dark and didn't have a nice feel to it. We got out of there in a hurry.

The next one was a very nice small ranch house. Nice yard. It's a bit older so, it's not perfect. We loved it though. It's high on the list of houses we're going to consider.

Then came the townhouses. The problem with townhouses is they come with their own HOA's (Home Owner Associations). In general, I'm against such organizations. I don't like non-law enforcement agencies being able to levy fines against me and have them stick. On the other hand, I won't have to shovel the walks or mow the lawn. Something to think about.

After all this was done, we came home to have dinner. After dinner, my soon to be ex declares that she wants to speak to me later. So, after putting the youngest to bed, she declares that the agreement we worked on for child support is no longer good enough. That she wants the kids home an hour and a half earlier.

An argument ensued, of course. I'm just so fricking tired of this. The day was marvelous then...suddenly...it wasn't. We're back to fighting.

Welcome to Hell....I mean, New Jersey

I drove to Connecticut yesterday. To clear out the final dregs of technology at my company's closed office there. I was driving on the New Jersey Turnpike, which would be a good analogy for the road that leads to Hell, except it's already there. Maybe would be a better analogy to the road that circumvents Hell. Hmm. Anyway, I was proceeding down this road of wonders, when the car ahead of me kicked up a piece of a shredded tire from an 18 wheeler truck. It hit my car and dented and marred the hood. Oh boy.

Getting to the office, after that, was simply a matter of time. Four hours time. Upon reaching the office, I discovered that the key that had been provided did not fit any of the locks. A call to the New Hampshire office fixed that and I was soon in the office.

Clearing out an office that everyone has been laid off from is always unpleasant. Something about the building and the memories in the place hang there. Happy, sad, angry, it's all in there. I spent a couple hours cleaning out such wonders as a 15 year old server. A 10 year old router. Jet desk printers that had seen better days. About a mile of CAT 5 wire. I loaded this bounty in my damaged car and headed home.

Calling my friend to discuss the trip and other things, we got into an argument about my divorce. Which resulted in hurt feelings on both sides. I hate arguing. Particularly with her.

Five hours later, I got home to have a titanic argument about what I would be taking with me from the former home of matrimonial bliss. Blah. It's just stuff, but I need some of it in order to move on. She doesn't see it that way, of course.

If you've made it this far, kudos. You've listened to me whine long enough.

Right then, I'm off.