A beginning and an ending

Today was the day my 18 year relationship with the woman who was my wife ended. The divorce has not been processed yet, the gavel has not fallen, but all agreements are final and binding. It is over. It leaves me both happy and sad.

I'm happy that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a train. My life will continue from here. I am sad because, the woman I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, won't be with me going forward. My children now, officially, come from a broken marriage.

I met her in college, the way quite a few marriages begin. We were in a play together, some horrible thing written by one of our English professors based on Dickens' "The Bells". She played my adult daughter. Anyway, doesn't matter. We became friends. We started dating about a year later. Most thought it wouldn't last 6 weeks, let alone 18 years. (Let me explain my counting here: I dated her for about a year. Lived with her for about a year. Was married to her for 16 years.)

She was very different from the norm in Northern Maine. An Italian-American girl in a sea of French Canadians. I thought she was very pretty. I thought she was smart too. So, we hit it off and fell in love. After I graduated from college, we moved and began our lives together.

Nothing is perfect. Nothing. She is a strong woman. I had no problems with that. In fact, I'm generally attracted to strong women. I'm a very strong personality myself and don't need, or want a dishrag. She was overly domineering, and my fault here was that I didn't put somewhat of a stop to that early and just let it go.

Anyway, one day, her personality changed. She started getting obsessed with things. Her mood would rapidly cycle. We didn't understand what was going on. Tried a couple things and talking to a couple doctors. All failures. Then, she found a doctor who diagnosed what it had been all along. She was bipolar. A light flashed in my head, it all made sense in that moment. I dedicated myself to seeing her through it, as well as I could.

I worked my butt off. It was a rough time professionally for me. The dot com era was coming to an end and the company I worked for was laying off people like a duck sheds water. I lasted three years, and the axe fell. I was fortunate, I found another job in six weeks, but at about 25% less pay, but it had benefits. So, it evened out.

My wife's condition worsened as they experimented with her "cocktail" finally finding something that worked for her. She started coming out of it. We were aware there were troubles in our relationship. Who wouldn't know? I was severely underpaid. My wife was sick. Money was tight. I won't bore you with all the details. Still, I worked and tried to keep it all together.

Depression is insidious. You don't realize you are sick until you are way past gone. My moment came when I was sitting at the kitchen table. Weeping. I couldn't stop. It was terrible. I started investigating what was going on with me and was diagnosed as a major depressive. This proved to be the beginning of the end.

Then came the day that I call my "WTF Moment". She and I were talking about the ongoing issues and she said "I can't trust you any more. You got sick." It was like a bomb going off. I had dedicated my life to making sure she was well. That she went on and she couldn't trust me. She. Couldn't. Trust. Me.

It was all downhill from there. Marriage counseling failed. Twice. The fights, while never physical, were vicious verbal battles as only two long married people can have. It all led to today. I'm happy and sad.

Hello, life. Goodbye life.

Zeke