Talking about loves

After telling you bout Daggi, I should tell you about a woman who truly saved my life. The thought of breaking a promise to her brought me back from the edge of suicide.

I have never met her face to face, I should state that. I know her face from pictures and her voice from the phone. Yet, I would know her anywhere. I have told her things that I have not told ANYONE else and she has done the same with me. If I could have a wish, it would have been that it was ME she married. No matter. I am honored to share that part of her life that I can.

So, in March I had a "black day". If you've ever been in a serious depression, you know what I mean. The whole world takes on a tinge to it. Nothing matters. You really do feel as if you are better off dead. With me, it started with a little thing. A small voice in my head that said "You know, it would be much easier if you were dead." I managed to ignore that small voice, that time.

The thing is, it didn't stop. It came back again and again. Each time, I would manage to fend it off, but it would come back stronger and stronger. So, in my mind, I gave in and started looking at my options. I didn't like the suffocation options. A knife is quick. Knowing where to stab wasn't a problem. Messy, though. Very traumatic for the kids. Then, there was hanging. We have a huge tree in our backyard with a perfect branch. Quick, if I got the knot right. So that's where I was. The rope or the knife.

I was sitting at the table, drinking tea, looking at the tree when I saw four faces. My children and her. All were crying and asking me "Why?" Her face said "You promised, Zeke, you promised." Bitter tears coursing down her face. My children crying and saying "Daddy".

It was like a pop in my head. I sat up and looked down at the tea cup and asked myself "What the hell are you doing?" I was shaken and called my Mom who talked me down more. I made it through. This one saved my life and I'm thankful to her.

I owe her a great debt and I hope, one day, to meet her in person and pay that debt. For now, though, these words will have to suffice:

Thank you.